Hello. Here we are again, Friday. Sweet because then Sam gets to be home all weekend but also not sweet because time is going way too fast and I’m already getting anxious about going back to work. Just live in the moment right? But that’s freaking hard. Since Harry came a week early, I get to go back to work on Christmas Eve day (I should be thrilled to have a job to go back to) and I’m already crying thinking about leaving my son the day before Christmas. Any helpful tips on how to transition would be greatly appreciated 🙂
So, yesterday Harry and I went to Gramma Dee and Grandpa Fletch’s house for a little visit. Since we still don’t have laundry, I brought along a couple loads and my mom (she’s a literal angel) prepped us a couple meals. Hello instant pot pot roast, chicken pot pie, and these bars!. Our little fam is so lucky to have you mom!
Anyway, while at their house, I got super anxious about little Harry not eating enough. He has some super great feedings where I’m like, “man, we got this down.” And then he has a bunch of shitty feedings where I’m like “I suck, he’s going to lose weight and have to go to the hospital. I’m going to just start feeding him formula.” It seriously stresses me out every single day. I try to remain calm and tell myself he is eating enough since he’s pooping and peeing and he’s not asking for more. But how can I be sure? I just want to weigh him every day to make sure he’s going in the right direction.
To try to relieve some stress, I took myself to the State Park for a nice run/walk (FYI I am incredibly sore today…the hills really got me). The Park is my favorite place to go when I need to chill the eff out because it is beautiful there and during the week it’s pretty much empty. Just me and nature. Let me tell you, for the first half of my run-hike, I could not relax. I kept thinking…what if Harry is hungry (Haley, you left a bottle), what if Harry is crying (Haley, he’s a baby, he’ll probably cry)…Haley, you left your 1 month son, you are a crappy mom (Haley, you are not a crappy mom, you can take an hour for yourself…Haley no you can’t). Yes, these are the exact thoughts that consumed my mind for the first 4 miles.
I even worked myself into a nice headache due to this stress. Then with about 2 miles left, I finally chilled the eff out. IDK what it was but something just changed and I felt calm. I knew Harry was in good hands. He had everything he needed and he’d be alright for an hour.
I just don’t know why I let myself get so stressed. It doesn’t make anything better at all. I feel like one minute I’m so confident in everything, and the next minute I’m in a panic, questioning everything. Ask Sam, he’ll tell you. One day I’m like “OMG Harry slept all day, he is growing!” The next day I’m like “OMG why is Harry sleeping all day? He must be ill?” Or “Harry’s belly is growing, yay!” “Harry’s belly is full of gas, get it out!”
However, I feel like Harry can sense my stress and that stresses him out (I know Ruthie can sure sense my stress) so I need to keep reminding myself to settle down. Plus, I hate being stressed…I’m mean, I stinky sweat, I get headaches. STOP BEING A STRESSED LADY, LADY.
So, how does one not stress with a baby? Take a stress relief bath? Drink a glass of wine? Talk to my support system? Go for a walk (LOL see above)? Sure, these things might help temporarily but I don’t think it’s possible to not be stressed. But I’m going to try my best to remind myself that we’re doing the best we can.
This is all new territory and we will figure it out one hour, one day at a time. As long as Harry is fed, changed, warm, and snuggled, he is OK. Being a mom is the most rewarding yet hardest thing I’ve ever experienced but us moms need to give ourselves some credit. Bringing a human into this world is INSANE. This little being that was growing inside is now on the outside and we have so much to figure out together.
Here’s to all the mom’s out there. You are amazing. You’re doing the best job. Keep your head up because it’s not easy but it’s def worth it.